"There's a guy in the audience with..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'”

“I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

“All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.”

“One should never make one's entrance with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one's old age.”

“Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

“Make them laugh, make them cry, make them wait.”

“For in Calormen, story-telling (whether the stories are true or made up) is a thing you're taught, just as English boys and girls are taught essay-writing. The difference is that people want to hear the stories, whereas I never heard of anyone who wanted to read the essays.”

“I play to all people - all colors, all creeds ~ drunk, sober, everybody.”