"I had the cab driver drive me..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.”

“I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.”

“Why are there no "during" pictures?”

“Most people consider me an optimist because I laughingly state that I would take my last two dollars and buy a money belt.”

“If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?”

“There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.”

“Tis ever common That men are merriest when they are from home.”

“When good Americans die, they go to Paris" "Where do bad Americans go?" "They stay in America”

“If I'm an advocate for anything, it's to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else's shoes or at least eat their food, it's a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.”