"Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience...." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.”

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

“I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

“If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat”

“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”

“My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.”

“Mysteries are not necessarily miracles.”

“How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn't make it a leg.”