"You should never tell someone they have..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"”

“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

“Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world, and people die of it just as they die of any other disease. Fortunately, in England at any rate, thought is not catching.”

“No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.”

“I'd rather argue against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me.”

“I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

“But who in war will not have his laugh amid the skulls?”

“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”