"What women want: To be loved, to..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.”

“For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .”

“As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.”

“I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.”

“There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”

“I believe I have had the most trouble with a portrait which I painted in installments - the head on one canvas and the bust on another.”

“A woman means by Unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others; a man means not giving trouble to others...thus, while the woman thinks of doing good offices and the man of respecting other people's rights, each sex, without any obvious unreason, can and does regard the other as radically selfish.”

“Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”