"I like cottage cheese. That's why I..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”

“I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Pose? I don't pose. What am I? Paris Hilton or something?”

“No gold-digging for me; I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday.”

“My mom had Julia Child and 'The Fannie Farmer Cookbook' on top of the refrigerator, and she had a small repertoire of French dishes.”

“Tea is an affront to lunch and an insult to dinner.”

“Give me yesterday's bread, this day's flesh, and last year's cider”