"There are three kinds of people: those..." - Quote by George Carlin

“Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.”

“Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.”

“I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.”

“When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.”

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

“Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.”

“It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason.”

“I pass with relief from the tossing sea of Cause and Theory to the firm ground of Result and Fact.”

“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”