"I want to get non-aerosol mace, you..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.”

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

“I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. Mark Twain Women are an alien race set down among us.”

“If a tax hike makes it to my desk, I'll veto it in less time than it takes Vanna White to turn the letters V-E-T-O!”

“I love kids, but they are a tough audience.”

“If you turn the other cheek, you can be enslaved for 1,000 years.”

“If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun.”

“The black people of America have been victims of violence at the hands of the white men for four hundred years, and following the ignorant Negro preachers, we have thought that it was godlike to turn the other cheek to the brute that was brutalizing us.”