"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
More by Mitch Hedberg
“I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.”
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
“I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"”
More on Humor
“Now they got such a high inheritance tax on 'em that you won't catch these old rich boys dying promiscuously like they did. This bill makes patriots out of everybody. You sure do die for your country if you die from now on.”
“The French don't have a baseball team. And if they did, there'd only be a left field, and no one would be safe.”
“Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.”
More on Everyday Objects
“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”
“I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”
“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”