Comedienne Quotes

“Calling people 'sweetheart' makes most people enraged.”

“Because of various security lapses, some senators are calling for a probe of the security at the offices of the Department of Homeland Security. The investigation will be conducted by the Department of Irony.”

“The creation of the UCB Theatre is by far my proudest professional accomplishment.”

“President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. 18 Iraqis were killed.”

“I want to be around people that do things. I don't want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people who dream and support and do things.”

“Just breathe. Sometimes you're only a few breaths away from feeling better.”

“Reading was a way to make friends or enemies, a way to discover how all these different people exist in the world and to rub shoulders with them. The ability to feel as if you have met someone, as if that person exists in flesh and blood and that you relate to them somehow, makes you feel a lot less lonely. And it also makes you feel very brave.”

“In conclusion, I invite the media to all grow a pair. And if you can't, I will lend you mine.”

“You learn early as an actor that creating your own material is the only way to have any control.”

“People who read are people who dream, and we connect through the stories we live and tell and read.”

“That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. 'Good for her! Not for me.'”

“I think if you can dance and be free and not embarrassed, you can rule the world.”

“Be easy on yourself. Have fun. Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it.”

“Please don't drive drunk, okay? Seriously... But by all means, walk drunk. That looks hilarious. Everyone loves to watch someone act like they are trying to make it to safety during a hurricane.”

“I like to do things that challenge me and make me nervous.”

“I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there.Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.”

“Shame makes people abandon their children and drink themselves to death. It also keeps us from true happiness. An apology is a glorious release.”

“I find my relationships at 40-plus are really emulsified, juicy relationships because you have more of a sense of who you are and who you want to be around.”

“When you do talk about yourself, or to yourself... try to picture you talking to your own daughter, or your younger sister. Because you would tell your younger sister or your daughter that she is beautiful, and you wouldn't be lying. Because she is. And so are you.”

“I like the person who commits and goes all in and takes big swings and then maybe fails or looks stupid; who jumps and falls down, rather than the person who points at the person who fell, and laughs.”

“I don't watch a lot of comedy. For relaxation and escape, I watch shows about how people survive bear attacks. Or old episodes of 'Law and Order,' the Benjamin Bratt/Jerry Orbach era.”

“It seems a strange thing, but once I was able to get past that kind of self-image problem, I was able to open up in my comedy work and just go all out, take chances, and have fun with the performance aspect of that.”

“I believe great people do things before they are ready.”

“I really liked the idea of playing that kind of optimistic, super-intense, go-get-'em spirit combined with being a little bit of an outsider. I am really drawn to girls of that age in general, who believe they can be a waitress, scientist, actress, a dentist, a zookeeper...and who really aren't boy-crazy.”

“Any painful experience makes you see things differently. It also reminds you of the simple truths that we purposely forget every day or else we would never get out of bed.”