Humor Quotes

“I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.”

“And I will make it felony to drink small beer.”

“How now, wit! Whither wander you?”

“Don Pedro - (...)'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.' Benedick - The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted; and in such great letters as they writes, 'Here is good horse for hire', let them signify under my sign, 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.”

“Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions.”

“The good rain, like a bad preacher, does not know when to leave off.”

“I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.”

“All of Creation’s a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted Like wind-blown smoke. Life is a game. Everyone ridicules everyone else. But he who has the last laugh Laughs longest.”

“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”

“How every fool can play upon the word!”

“I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and aeroplanes a fair chance of getting away.”

“Nobody wants to intervene in Russian affairs. Russia is a very large country, a very old country, a very disagreeable country inhabited by immense numbers of ignorant people largely possessed of lethal weapons and in a state of extreme disorder. Also Russia is a long way off.”

“I hate nobody except Hitler--and that is professional.”

“Democracy means that when there's a knock in the door at 3 am, it's probably the milkman.”

“The head cannot take in more than the seat can endure.”

“Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone.”

“I'd rather argue against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me.”

“I have had a number of threatening letters each week, some telling me the actual time and method of my death, and I don't like it.”

“The English never draw a line without blurring it.”

“I am very glad there are quite a number of people born with a gift and a liking for all of this; like great chessplayers who play sixteen games at once blindfold and die quite soon of epilepsy. Serve them right! I hope the Mathematicians, however, are well rewarded. I promise never to blackleg their profession nor take the bread out of their mouths.”

“We are all worms. However, I like to think I'm a glow worm”

“Whenever I feel the need to take some exercise I lie down until the feeling goes away.”

“The game of life does not proceed like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes they make five, or minus four, and sometimes the blackboard topples over in the middle of the sum and the pedagogue is left with a black eye.”

“We need to be strong in order to avoid war; and to win. A politician looks forward only to the next election. A statesman looks forward to the next generation. Any person who is over 30 and is not a conservative, has no brains.”

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”