"People ask me for my autograph after..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.”

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

“I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.”

“I tell you folks, all politics is applesauce.”

“I didn't even need America, I was so popular outside the country, until the prosecutin' attorney came from Washington, and said, judge, we cannot let this man go to Japan and fight, because they are anti-American.Now, if I want to leave the country, I know how to leave. Tomorrow. Quick. Easy. If I really want to leave. That's not the intention. The intention is to stop me from makin' a livin'. To punish me.”

“I can forgive even that wrong of wrongs,Those undreamt accidents that have made meSeeing that Fame has perished this long while,Being but a part of ancient ceremonyNotorious, till all my priceless thingsAre but a post the passing dogs defile.”

“The same people that tell me what I ought to have is the same people asking for an autograph.”