"Someday I want to be rich. Some..." - Quote by Rita Rudner

“My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.”

“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.”

“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”

“Listen, punk. To me you're nothin' but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya!”

“LADY BRACKNELL Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire?”

“I have not observed mens honesty to increase with their riches.”

“I see young men, my townsmen, whose misfortune it is to have inherited farms, houses, barns, cattle, and farming tools; for these are more easily acquired than got rid of. Better if they had been born in the open pasture and suckled by a wolf, that they might have seen with clearer eyes what field they were called to labor in. Who made them serfs of the soil? Why should they eat their sixty acres, when man is condemned to eat only his peck of dirt? Why should they begin digging their graves as soon as they are born?”