Rita Rudner Quotes

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

Cats are a waste of fur.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.