"I play the guitar. I taught..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“I may be irresponsible but I am a good irresponsible.”

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

“We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.”

“Most people can learn a lot more than they think they can. They sell themselves short without trying.”

“In all the twelve years I was at school no one ever succeeded in making me write a Latin verse or learn any Greek except the alphabet.”

“Love is in all things a most wonderful teacher.”