"I've always felt there are two things..." - Quote by Erma Bombeck

“Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.”

“Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”

“Ritie, don't worry 'cause you ain't pretty. Plenty pretty women I seen digging ditches or worse. You smart. I swear to God, I rather you have a good mind than a cute behind.”

“Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another.”

“Women are the most charitable creatures, and the most troublesome. He who shuns women passes up the trouble, but also the benefits. He who puts up with them gains the benefits, but also the trouble. As the saying goes, there's no honey without bees.”

“We don't grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.”

“In me thou see'st the twilight of such day As after sunset fadeth in the west, Which by and by black night doth take away Death's second self, that seals up all in rest. -Sonnet 73”

“I suppose sequels are inevitable for a writer of a certain age.”