“Good people end up in Hell because they can't forgive themselves.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'”

“In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."”

“After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.”

“Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone.”

“In winter's tedious nights sit by the fire With good old folks, and let them tell thee tales Of woeful ages, long ago betid”

“This act is an ancient tale new told;And, in the last repeating, troublesome,Being urged at a time unseasonable.”

“For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground And tell sad stories of the death of kings.”