"Never play peek-a-boo with a child on..." - Quote by Rita Rudner

“Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.”

“My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.”

“I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.”

“When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.”

“I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."”

“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

“Our children need strong families raising them with sturdy virtues, not to be smothered in the cold arms of the state.”

“But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between four and fifteen, except that when your child is four, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles which are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you.”