"I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
More by Mitch Hedberg
“I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”
“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.”
“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”
More on Humor
“A fool and his money are soon elected.”
“Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs.”
“If the federal government had been around when the Creator was putting His hand to this state, Indiana wouldn't be here. It'd still be waiting for an environmental impact statement.”
More on Convenience
“Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
“When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.”