"I like to hold the microphone cord..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”

“A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"”

“I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.”

“Jesse Helms wants me to move to the right, Lowell Weiker wants me to move to the left, and Teddy Kennedy wants me to move back to California.”

“How do you write zero in Roman numerals?”

“The man that found the 726-carat diamond in Africa, received $350,000 for it and wants to buy a farm and silk hat. Well, I can understand a man perhaps being eccentric enough to want to own a silk hat.”

“It's easier for me to get ready for a game on the road because you're expected to lose when you play away from home. That's a challenge to right there and that perks my competitive juices.”

“As a player, you have one responsibility, to focus yourself and be ready for the game. As a coach, your responsibility is to get 20 guys ready and have them all on the same page. If you can't get every guy ready every night, you're going to struggle.”

“You can't think and hit the ball at the same time.”