“Good people end up in Hell because they can't forgive themselves.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'”

“In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."”

“After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.”

“Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone.”

“O Mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear; your true love's coming, That can sing both high and low: Trip no further, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man's son doth know. What is love? 'Tis not hereafter; Present mirth hath present laughter; What's to come is still unsure: In delay there lies not plenty; Then, come kiss me, sweet and twenty, Youth's a stuff will not endure.”

“Make the upcoming hour overflow with joy, and let pleasure drown the brim.”

“There is plenty of time to sleep in the grave”