"Mitch”, but then reattach it and call..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.”

“I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.”

“XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"”

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

“Bill Dickey learned me all his experience.”

“There is a race between mankind and the universe. Mankind is trying to build bigger, better, faster, and more foolproof machines. The universe is trying to build bigger, better, and faster fools. So far the universe is winning.”

“How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”

“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”