"I don't have a girlfriend. But I..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

“Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

“To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes”

“One person caring about another represents life's greatest value.”

“Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.”

“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”