I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
“43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
“No one is listening until you make a mistake.”
“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”
“If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”
“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”
“The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.”
“Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.”
“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”
