Quote by Tim Vine: "This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of ve..."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

More by Tim Vine

“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”

“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“Britney Spears has shoulders like a man.”

“He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.”

“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.”

“It ain't the heat, it's the humility.”

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”

“Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?”