"Now you know those trick candles that..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”

“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”

“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”

“I never regret anything... I just lie about it or change the story.”

“An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.”

“Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.”