"So I went down the local supermarket,..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”

“I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”

“I think a nap or a rest overnight is great. But who needs three days of rest? Please! The second day, you might die.”

“Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?”

“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

“I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.”

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”