Tim Vine Quotes

“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

“Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.”

“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”

“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.”

“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.”

“The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.”

“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”

“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

“I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”

“For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.”

“As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.”

“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”

“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."”

“One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.”

“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”

“Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.”

“Velcro: what a rip-off.”

“If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.”

“If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.”

“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.”