“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“Benvolio- "By my head, here come the Capulets." Mercutio- "By my heel, I care not.”

“Some report a sea-maid spawn'd him; some that he was begot between two stock-fishes. But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice.”

“Free from gross passion or of mirth of anger constant spirit, not swerving with the blood, garnish'd and deck'd in modest compliment, not working with the eye without the ear, and but in purged judgement trusting neither? Such and so finely bolted didst thou seem.”