“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

“Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.”

“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”

“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.”

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”

“The poodle [Rufus] ate in the dining room with the rest of the [Churchill] family. A cloth was laid for him on the Persian carpet beside the head of the household, and no one else ate until the butler had served Rufus's meal.”

“One evening at Chequers the film was Oliver Twist. Rufus, as usual, had the best seat in the house, on his master's lap. At the point when Bill Sikes was about to drown his dog to put the police off his track, Churchill covered Rufus's eyes with his hand. He said, "Don't look now, dear. I'll tell you about it afterwards."”