“When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'”

“I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.”

“Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.”

“I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.”

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”

“Tis a happy thing To be the father unto many sons.”

“The Dear father Would with his daughter speak, commands her service; Are they inform'd of this?”

“Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”

“I thought I was fooling people. But it's the old thing of 'they say vodka doesn't smell'. No, not until you sweat. And you just lie and lie and you think 'I can deal with this'. And then you finally go, 'No you can't'. And then you give up.”

“If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"”

“Oh! that you could turn your eyes towards the napes of your necks, and make but an interior survey of your good selves.”

“Our life is not so much threatened as our perception. Ghostlike we glide through nature, and should not know our place again.”

“The eye of prudence may never shut.”

“How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!”

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”

“If it be you that stirs these daughters' heartsAgainst their father, fool me not so muchTo bear it tamely; touch me with noble anger,And let not women's weapons, water drops,Stain my man's cheeks.”

“What e'er thou art, act well thy part.”

“'Tis not enough to help the feeble up, but to support them after.”

“Tis in ourselves that we are thus, or thus.”

“I never had a drink in my life. I don't smoke or anything.”

“After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.”

“I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.”