“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“He that dies pays all debts.”

“Base is the slave that pays.”

“I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse: borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable.”