“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“Adult males are what their moms designed them.”

“Cannot we let [children] be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough.”

“Of course you will insist on modesty in the children, and respect to their teachers, but if the boy stops you in your speech, cries out that you are wrong and sets you right, hug him!”