"My parents always told me I could..." - Quote by Rita Rudner

“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”

“Never take candy from strangers.”

“I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.”

“If I had not had so much ambition and not tried to do so many things, I probably would have been happier, but less useful.”

“Things don't have to change the world to be important.”

“It is one thing to see the forward path and another to be able to take it. But it is better to have an ambitious plan than none at all.”

“Teachers, who educate children, deserve more honour than parents, who merely gave them birth; for the latter provided mere life, while the former ensure a good life.”

“Always obey your parents - when they are present.”

“The Founding Fathers in their wisdom decided that children were an unnatural strain on parents. So they provided jails called schools, equipped with tortures called an education.”