Pun Quotes

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

He who kisses girl on hillside is not level

He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'