“People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.”
“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”
“The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.”
“The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.”
“When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic, she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.”
“You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.”
“Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.”
“Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.”
“The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.”
“Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!”
“Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.”
“What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.”
“It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet, but the stirring.”
“It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.”
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
“Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village”
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
“The high IQ has become the American equivalent of the Legion of Honor, positive proof of a child's intellectual aristocracy.... It has become more important to be a smart kid than a good kid or even a healthy kid.”
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.”
“There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.”
“Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.”
“Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.”
