"I get a lot of return business...." - Quote by Rita Rudner

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.”

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

“I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.”

“The way you see your future determines your thinking today. You're thinking today determines your performance today. Your performance in the today of your life determines your future.”

“You stand your ground and you perform your art. That's what the artist does. The artist is about perfection.”

“I have always cautioned partners that I considered three years a minimum in determining whether we were "performing".”

“I went public too soon. Stay private as long as you can.”

“The maxim of the British people is 'business as usual.'”

“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.”