“If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.”

“To sell something, tell a woman it's a bargain; tell a man it's deductible.”

“An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

“Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

“Our expenses are all for conformity.”

“But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith's.”

“American invents everything, but the trouble is we get tired of it the minute the new is wore off.”