"When something is 'new and improved', which..." - Quote by George Carlin

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

“There is a certain amount of righteous indignation I hold for the American culture, because to get back to the real root of it, to get broader about it, my opinion that is my species - and my culture in America specifically - have let me down and betrayed me. I think this species had great, great promise, with this great upper brain that we have, and I think we squandered it on God and Mammon. And I think this culture of ours has such promise, with the promise of real, true freedom, and then everyone has been shackled by ownership and possessions and acquisition and status and power.”

“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”

“Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

“There are, then, these three means of effecting persuasion. The man who is to be in command of them must, it is clear, be able (1) to reason logically, (2) to understand human character and goodness in their various forms, and (3) to understand the emotions--that is, to name them and describe them, to know their causes and the way in which they are excited.”

“Love, when spelled backwards and read phonetically, reads evil”

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?”

“E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.”