Humorist Quotes

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”

“There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.”

“We don't give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give 'em plenty of publicity.”

“We may elevate ourselves but we should never reach so high that we would every forget those who helped us get there.”

“Women are not the weak, frail little flowers that they are advertised. There has never been anything invented yet, including war, that a man would enter into, that a woman wouldn't, too.”

“It looks like the financial giants of the world have bungled as much as the diplomats and politicians. This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.”

“America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.”

“Land taxes is the thing. They got so high that there is no chance to make anything. Not only land but all property tax. You see in the old days, why the only thing they knew how to tax was land, or a house. Well, that condition went along for quite awhile, so even today the whole country tries to run its revenue on taxes on land. They never ask if the land makes anything. "It's land ain't it? Well tax it then."”

“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”

“In Washington, one man could do what ten of them do. There could be only a quarter or a third as many congressmen or senators, and we would pick better ones then. But it's the system that we have always used, and there is no use getting all overcome with perspiration over it. Things kinder run themselves, anyhow.”

“Labor leaders don't do much laboring after they are able to lead.”

“I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.”

“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.”

“It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.”

“I would love to see Mr. (Henry) Ford in there, really. I don't know who started the idea that a President must be a Politician instead of a Business man. A Politician can't run any other kind of business. So there is no reason why he can run the U.S. That's the biggest single business in the World.”

“Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.”

“A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.”

“In time of crisis people want to know that you care, more than they care what you know”

“You can take any line of business and skill and the ones who do it the best are the ones who get the most money for it.”

“There are three types of men in the world. One type learns from books. One type learns from observations. And one type just has to urinate on the electric fence himself.”

“You can be killed just as dead in an unjustified war as you can in one protecting your own home.”

“If this depression stays with us, the loser Tuesday is going to be the winner.”

“A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.”

“It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.”

“Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.”