Congress Quotes

You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it.

We cuss Congress, and we joke about 'em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn't in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool.

We have two parties who are basically hijacking our country for their corporate paymasters. And if we focus on 535 members of Congress, that's not all that many, we're going to see a fast turnaround. So focus all your concerns, all the information, the kind of agenda the Green Party has. Turn it right on your Senators and Representatives.

The "Ways & Means Committee" is a committee that's supposed to find the Ways to divide up the Means.

A senator got up today in Congress and called his fellow senators sons of wild jackasses. Now, if you think the senators were hot, imagine how the jackasses must feel.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

All one has to do to get one's stuff in the Congressional Record is to find a stenographer that can stay awake long enough to take it down. Then you mark in the 'Applause' and 'Laughter' parts yourself.

Our president delivered his State of the Union message to Congress. That is one of the things his contract calls for -- to tell congress the condition of the country. This message, as I say, is to Congress. The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the president has to tell 'em.

Labor Day, I suppose set by an Act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by, or against, Acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about Labor is beyond us.

Congress: America's only true criminal class.

The Congress fights not with violent but with nonviolent means, however imperfect, however crude the nonviolence may be.

Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...)

When congress is in session no American is safe.

This session of Congress is also to relieve the farmer again, relieve him of any encouragement that he might have received during the last one.

Congress in session is Congress on public exhibition, whilst Congress in its committee-rooms is Congress at work.

There are some members of the House leadership whose only mission in life is to demonize the president.

You could transfer Congress over to run Standard Oil or General Motors, and they would have both things bankrupt in two years.

Obviously, if Congress wants to talk about anything, we're happy to provide information. We're committed to moving forward under the current act.

Farmers, get out your sense of humor. Congress meets to relieve you again next week.

Congress consists of one-third, more or less, scoundrels; two-thirds, more or less, idiots; and three-thirds, more or less, poltroons.

That's what a Congressman or a Senator is for -- to see that too much money don't accumulate in the national Treasury.

Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

In Washington, one man could do what ten of them do. There could be only a quarter or a third as many congressmen or senators, and we would pick better ones then. But it's the system that we have always used, and there is no use getting all overcome with perspiration over it. Things kinder run themselves, anyhow.

If we took Congress seriously, we would be worrying all the time.

We all joke about Congress but we can't improve on them. Have you noticed that no matter who we elect, he is just as bad as the one he replaces?

We can get this done! Take a vote, and send me that bill.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke!

Congress is hard to deal with, dealing with, you know, multiple parliaments and commissions and unions and this and that and the other, that's very complicated.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

And kid Congress and the Senate, dont scold em. They are just children thats never grown up. They dont like to be corrected in company. Dont send messages to em, send candy.

Members of Congress are like the voters in one respect -- they want to go with the winners.

We have the best Congress that money can buy.

When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.

The constitution vests the power of declaring war in Congress; therefore no offensive expedition of importance can be undertaken until after they shall have deliberated upon the subject and authorized such a measure.

Congressman is the trivialist distinction for a full grown man.

Members of the Congress, the Constitution makes us not rivals for power but partners for progress. We are all trustees for the American people, custodians of the American heritage. It is my task to report the State of the Union--to improve it is the task of us all.

Congress is the most powerful branch. It can expand a progressive society, or it can block a progressive society.

All I know is just what I read in the Congressional Record. They have had some awful funny articles in there lately. As our government deteriorates, our humor increases.

Congress is going to start tinkering with the Ten Commandments just as soon as they find someone in Washington who has read them.

This stuff they are talking here in Congress costs the people of the United States $44 a page. That's beside what it costs to ship it to the asylums where it's read.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?

To say Congress is spending like drunken sailors is an insult to drunken sailors.