Sam Levenson

“One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.”

“Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village”

“The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.”

“Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.”

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.”

“Times don't change. Men do.”

“Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.”

“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.”

“I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.”

“It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet, but the stirring.”

“More and more Congressmen now stay in Washington all year-round because they can't stay at home under the laws they've passed.”

“I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!”

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”

“When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic, she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.”

“I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?”

“You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.”

“The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."”

“Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.”

“People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.”

“For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”

“The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.”

“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“At the U.N., any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor."”

“Our parents set the moral tone of the family. They expected more of some of us and less of others, but never less than they thought we were capable of.”

“You can't start at the top.”

“If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.”

“If you owe fifty dollars you're a piker; if you owe fifty thousand dollars you're a businessman; if you owe fifty million dollars you're a tycoon; if you owe fifty billion dollars you're the government.”

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”

“Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.”

“Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.”

“It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.”

“It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'”

“Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.”

“When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?”

“Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.”

“What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.”

“The high IQ has become the American equivalent of the Legion of Honor, positive proof of a child's intellectual aristocracy.... It has become more important to be a smart kid than a good kid or even a healthy kid.”

“Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.”

“Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.”

“There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.”

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”

“We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.”

“Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.”

“If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.”

“The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.”

“It would be useless to bomb Washington. If you destroy one building, they already have two other buildings completely staffed with people doing exactly the same thing.”

“We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.”

“Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.”

“Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.”

“Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.”