Well, another senator rose and said {as they always do} 'Does the gentleman yield?' They always say that - least they call each other 'gentleman' in there. But the tone they put on the word, it would sound more appropriate if they came right out and said 'Would the coyote from Maine yield?' 'cause that's about the way it sounds. Well, then, the other senator says 'I yield' (for if he don't the other guy'll keep on talking anyhow). So the coyote from Maine says 'I yield to...the polecat from Oregon!'
We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift, our personal association, which means so much to them, we give grudgingly.
Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it.
Experience teaches us only one thing at a time - and hardly that, in my case.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
for business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity.
What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.
I played Chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move, and ran the game out differently
We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.
We are always yapping about the 'Good Old Days' and how we look back and enjoy it, but I tell you there is a lot of hooey to it. There is a whole lot of all our past lives that wasn't so hot.
We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.
How far we travel in life matters far less than those we meet along the way.
All one has to do to get one's stuff in the Congressional Record is to find a stenographer that can stay awake long enough to take it down. Then you mark in the 'Applause' and 'Laughter' parts yourself.
...majority Patriotism is the customary Patriotism.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Show me a healthy community with a healthy economy and I will show you a community that has its green infrastructure in order and understands the relationship between the built and the unbuilt environment.
I suppose, just as an honest man in politics shines more than he would elsewhere.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
maybe somebody finally shot the dog.
Although a science fair can seem like a big "pain" it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: "A body at rest will remain at rest until 8:45 p.m. the night before the science fair project is due, at which point the body will come rushing to the body's parents, who are already in their pajamas, and shout, 'I JUST REMEMBERED THE SCIENCE FAIR IS TOMORROW AND WE GOTTA GO TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW!'"
In all my travels the thing that has impressed me the most is the universal brotherhood of man-what there is of it.
The less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it
It was on the 10th day of May - 1884 - that I confessed to age by mounting spectacles for the first time, and in the same hour I renewed my youth, to outward appearance, by mounting a bicycle for the first time. The spectacles stayed on.
If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
This stuff they are talking here in Congress costs the people of the United States $44 a page. That's beside what it costs to ship it to the asylums where it's read.
If we should deal out justice only, in this world, who would escape? No, it is better to be generous, and in the end more profitable, for it gains gratitude for us, and love.
It is better to support schools than jails.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
Seventy is old enough. After that there is too much risk.
Don't use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do.
In my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night.
I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.
Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.
To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.
There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.
There are things which some people never attempt during their whole lives, but one of these is not poetry. Poetry attacks all human beings sooner or later, and, like the measles, is mild or violent according to the age of the sufferer.
We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.
You cannot have all chiefs; you gotta have Indians too.Perfect love cannot be without equality.A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing.We are all alike, on the inside.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare
We get our morals from books. I didn't get mine from books, but I know that morals do come from books- theoretically at least.
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'
Nothing is so ignorant as a man's left hand, except a lady's watch.
An injurious truth has no merit over an injurious lie. Neither should ever be uttered. The man who speaks an injurious truth, lest his soul be not saved if he do otherwise, should reflect that that sort of a soul is not strictly worth saving.
A healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any occupation.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs?
