"You are going Uruguay, and I'm going..." - Quote by Groucho Marx

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

“Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.”

“My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”

“A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.”

“Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.”

“You know, I never trust people who don't laugh, who said, "I am serious" and act as if they put airplane glue on the back of their hands and stuck the glue to their foreheads. I think, "You're not serious; you're boring as hell."”

“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

“I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”

“I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."”