"All people are born alike - except..." - Quote by Groucho Marx

“I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

“Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.”

“The state lies in all languages of good and evil; and whatever it says, it lies-and whatever it has, it has stolen.”

“Oh, that [his Thanksgiving Message] is some of Seward's nonsense, and it pleases the fools.”

“I saw that the State was half-witted, that it was timid as a lone woman with her silver spoons, and that it did not know its friends from its foes, and I lost all my remaining respect for it, and pitied it.”

“I was told that my diet was so poor that I could not repair the bones that were broken and operated on. So I have just had an Xradiograph taken; and lo! perfectly mended solid bone so beautifully white that I have left instructions that, if I die, a glove stretcher is to be made of me and sent to you as a souvenir”

“Whoever said a horse was dumb, was dumb”

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”