"My wife can't cook at all. She..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“Margarine? That's not food. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? I can. If you're planning on using margarine in anything, you can stop reading now, because I won't be able to help you.”

“Old women are the secret to the fluffiest cakes.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Marriage was contrived for ordinary people, for people who are capable of neither great love nor great friendship, which is to say, for most people--but also for those exceptionally rare ones who are capable of love as well as of friendship.”

“My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.”