Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.