"Cars and women are a lot alike...." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.”

“I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.”

“Comedy is a camouflage for depression.”

“I think that it's important for judges to understand that if a woman is out there trying to raise a family, trying to support her family, and is being treated unfairly, then the court has to stand up, if nobody else will. And that's the kind of judge that I want.”

“No man is offended by another man's admiration of the woman he loves; it is the woman only who can make it a torment.”

“I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.”

“Trickery succeeds sometimes, but it always commits suicide.”

“Though most of the friendships of the world ill deserve the name of friendships; yet a man may make use of them on occasion, as of a traffic whose returns are uncertain, and in which 'tis usual to be cheated.”

“People who refuse to accept unpleasant truths have no right to complain about politicians who lie to them. What other kind of candidates would such people elect?”