"My wife has to be the worst..." - Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

“She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.”

“Old women are the secret to the fluffiest cakes.”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“One of the things that I do to relax at the end of the day is I read recipes.”

“Your mate doesn't live by bread alone; he or she needs to be 'buttered up' from time to time.”

“"Well, well!" said my aunt. "I only ask. I don't depreciate her. Poor little couple! And so you think you were formed for one another, and are to go through a party-supper-table kind of life, like two pretty pieces of confectionery, do you, Trot?"”

“When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.”