"Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well,..." - Quote by Tim Vine

“As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”

“You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.”

“Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.”